Epilepsy Talk

What’s Your Favorite Joke? | May 28, 2011

They say that “laughter is the best medicine.”

Well, believe it or not, it could help your EEG results!

For example, scientists traced the brainwave activity of people responding to funny material. They were hooked up to an (EEG) and their brain activity was measured when they laughed.

In each case, the brain produces a regular electrical pattern. Less than a half-second after exposure to something funny, an electrical wave moves through the cerebral cortex. If the wave takes a negative charge, laughter results. If it maintains a positive charge, no response is given at all.

Next, the left hemisphere analyzes the words and structures of the joke. The right hemisphere “gets” the joke. The visual sensory area of the occipital lobe creates images. The limbic (emotional) system makes you happier and the motor sections make you smile or laugh.

Also, laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.

It also dissolves negative emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you’re laughing.

So how about a laugh or two? Tell us your favorite funny movie, or a good joke!

Resources:

http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/human-nature/other-emotions/laughter3.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/life/humor_laughter_health.htm

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/8-health-benefits-of-laughter.html#


168 Comments »

  1. For years I gave my brother the same birthday card. He loved it, and so do I. It shows a farmer who is standing in his field of wheat. That’s the front cover. Open the card: Happy Birthday to someone who’s outstanding in his field!

    🙂 🙂 🙂

    Something else that has always made me laugh is this: In our town in a girl by the name of Annie Hahaj (Ha-ha). There’s a guy named Nick Blaha. I always said that if Annie Hahaj married Nick Blaha, she’d be Annie Haha-Blaha! (You have to say this one aloud.)

    Like

    Comment by Maggie — May 28, 2011 @ 3:24 PM

  2. I think havind a sense of humor is what’s kept me from going into depressions all these yr’s.

    Now Phylis, remember, you ask for it. LOL!

    I could fill hundereds of pages with funny(non-offensive or nasty) jokes, but I won’t, maybe 1-2 a day.

    One comical movie I liked was “Naked Gun 2 1/2”.

    I found this video yesterday, it’s, “An Alternative Ending for the Wizard of OZ”
    If you feel that it’s graphic, please remove it.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — May 28, 2011 @ 3:51 PM

  3. Well, Mike, I should be good and healthy now! That was a scream!!!

    Like

    Comment by Maggie — May 28, 2011 @ 3:58 PM

  4. Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
    St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s down.
    You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests.
    What’ll it be?”

    The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains .”
    “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
    The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this week ‘count’ St. Peter?” ”

    No I told you the computer’s down, There’s no way we can keep track of what you are doing.”

    In that case” says the second priest, I’ve always wanted to be a stud.
    “So be it” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

    A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

    “Will you have any trouble locating them? he asks.

    “The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter,
    “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
    But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

    Why? asks the Lord.

    “He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota “

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — May 28, 2011 @ 4:07 PM

  5. I love movies, like Charlie Chaplin, Harold Lloyd, Abbott and Costello and Laurel and Hardy. They make me and my family laugh a lot!!

    Do any of you like any of the 1910-1940 movies? I mean the funney ones.

    Like

    Comment by ruth brown — May 29, 2011 @ 1:45 AM

    • You mean, the silent movies?

      Like

      Comment by Mike Farnam — June 8, 2011 @ 5:06 PM

  6. I’m a little bit off on the dates, but “Blazing Saddles” makes me hysterical!

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — May 29, 2011 @ 12:22 PM

  7. A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
    because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
    Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I
    have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my
    appointment. “Forgive us our trespasses.”
    When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
    along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. “Lead us not into temptation.”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 8, 2011 @ 4:43 PM

  8. At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
    “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

    “Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
    “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

    “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

    “Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”

    “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”

    “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 8, 2011 @ 5:02 PM

  9. How to get a raise.

    ——————————————————————————–

    Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
    Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

    Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
    Boss: Yes.

    Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
    Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

    Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
    Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

    Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!
    Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

    Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 8, 2011 @ 5:35 PM

    • Mike, you’re on a tear! What did you have for breakfast this morning? 😉

      Like

      Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — June 8, 2011 @ 6:26 PM

      • I don’t know if there’s a name for it. LOL!

        Like

        Comment by Mike Farnam — June 11, 2011 @ 8:21 PM

  10. “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t
    have a headache and sex at the same time”?

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 8, 2011 @ 5:37 PM

  11. TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

    Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’

    The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses, ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?

    The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door’

    TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “;Windy, isn’t it?”;

    “;No,”; the second man replied, “;it’s Thursday.”;

    And the third man chimed in, “;So am I. Let’s have a beer..”;

    TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

    A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say“;Supersex.”;

    She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “;Supersex.”;

    He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “;I’ll take the soup.”;

    TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

    Now this one is just too Precious…LOL!

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “;Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”;
    Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “;How soon do you need to know?”

    TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

    Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “;Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

    Please be careful!”;
    “;Heck,”; said Herman, “;It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

    TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car–both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light’ After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through So, she turned to the other woman and said, “;Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”;
    Mildred turned to her and said, “;Oh, crap, am I driving?”;

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 11, 2011 @ 8:18 PM

  12. Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!”

    “Great, but how?” asked Harry.
    “We’ll go to Wall-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador. When we look the part, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”
    So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Whitefish, Montana . With the dog in tow they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, “Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”

    “Yes we are,” said Nancy , “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.” They ordered a round of bourbon and ditches for the house and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

    A grizzled old farmer came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen people came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left looking puzzled.

    Finally, Nancy asked, “why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”
    “Lord no,” said the bartender. “It’s just that someone told them there was a Labrador in here with two a**holes!”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 11, 2011 @ 8:39 PM

  13. A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

    In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

    She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”
    He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I’m sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down.”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 11, 2011 @ 8:44 PM

  14. That is funny, I like that joke.

    Like

    Comment by ruth brown — June 11, 2011 @ 9:19 PM

  15. Am I suppose to check both of those “notify me” boxes everytime I post? Because I’m not being notified of any replies.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 3:24 PM

  16. This is getting more complicated by the minute. I would suggest you go to the home page. At the bottom is a box that says “Manage your subscriptions.”

    Follow that link, fill out the info (I can’t remember what is it) and then you’ll be an “active subscriber” and get every post, comment, etc.

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — June 13, 2011 @ 3:44 PM

  17. Hi Phylis, I will do that, but I think they just made me an active subscriber. The only thing I do not have is a password.

    Like

    Comment by ruth brown — June 13, 2011 @ 6:45 PM

  18. I am not worried about it anymore. I thought that we had dropped the subject. Let’s not bring it up anymore. 🙂

    Like

    Comment by ruth brown — June 13, 2011 @ 8:23 PM

  19. I think I took care of it. Checking those 2 boxes didn’t didn’t seem to do much of anything.> I’m signed up with WordPress for more than just “Epilepsy Talk”, so I went and made sure I was signed up..

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 8:58 PM

    • Smart. Now, if you would just tell everyone the secret of your success in this confusing mess, you’d be doing a BIG service to us all. 😉

      Like

      Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — June 13, 2011 @ 10:40 PM

  20. Why we love children?

    NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!

    KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now She’s hitting the bottle.

    MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?

    POLICE While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?

    POLICE It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. It sure is,’ I replied.
    Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?

    ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by t he various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!

    DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit. And why not, darling? You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.

    DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes. (I want this line used at my funeral!)

    SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!

    BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out. What have you got there, dear? With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 9:08 PM

    • This stuff is WONDERFUL. Where do you find it!

      Like

      Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — June 13, 2011 @ 10:43 PM

      • I’ve been with a forum called “Daily Jokes” since 2006.

        Like

        Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 1:59 AM

  21. Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: “Hello”
    WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

    MAN: “Yes.”

    WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”
    MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

    WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked..”

    MAN: “How much?”

    WOMAN: “$90,000.”

    MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

    WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

    MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it’s what you really want.”

    WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

    MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 9:26 PM

  22. Gun
    Control

    Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, asked the audience for total quiet.
    Then, in the silence, he started to
    Slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

    Then he said into the microphone, ‘Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.

    Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East
    Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:

    “Well, dumbass, stop clapping!

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 9:32 PM

  23. ——————————————————————————–

    Sweet Tea

    A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ..

    Doctor: “What happened?”

    Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up.”

    Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don’t swallow.

    Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor.”

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.
    I swished and swished,and he didn’t touch me!”

    Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 9:42 PM

  24. Joe Bender was out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit.
    There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

    So Richard and his friends start snacking on them.

    When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, “Nice to meet you,
    ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts.”

    Then Grandma says,

    “You’re welcome. Eat all ya’ want…

    Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off ’em.”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 9:44 PM

  25. A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
    lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and
    the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
    steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the
    saddle.

    In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a
    firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but
    she slides down the horse’s side anyway. The horse gallops along,
    seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

    Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
    from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
    has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the
    horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground
    over and over.

    As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
    from unconsciousness when to her great fortune… Frank, the Walmart
    greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

    And you thought all they did was say Hello.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 9:52 PM

  26. CONFUCIUS SAY

    Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

    Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

    Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

    Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

    Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

    Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

    Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
    exhausted.

    Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

    War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

    Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night..

    It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

    Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

    Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

    Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

    Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

    Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

    “A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 10:04 PM

  27. THE HYPNOTIST

    It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

    Claude the hypnotist explained: “I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
    each and every member of the audience.”

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
    “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
    It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations”

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
    “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. … .”
    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
    Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from the
    hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
    SH*T!! said the Hypnotist.

    It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

    Claude was never invited back to entertain.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 10:15 PM

  28. There was a plane full of politicians going to Washington DC from California.

    The plane crashed in Gods country (Missouri) and landed in a farmer’s field.
    The police arrived at the scene of the crash the next day and began talking with the farmer.

    The farmer told them, well I’ve already burried them all in that there field

    The police asked “were they all dead?”

    The farmer replied, “well, some of em said they were still alive, but you can’t trust a politician”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 13, 2011 @ 10:45 PM

  29. As we “Silver Surfers” (older folks on the internet) know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

    I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

    Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?

    He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

    I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
    ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

    Eric grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

    ‘No,’ I replied.

    ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

    So I wrote down:

    ID10T

    I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 2:04 AM

  30. A blonde orders a beer.
    The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
    It hits the blonde woman’s boobs and splashes all over them…
    The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
    Each time the blond calls for another beer this happens.
    So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.
    The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

    He is lying on the floor moaning, ‘Jeez lady…

    Why do you let the bartender do it?’

    ‘Duh,’ says the blonde,
    ‘He has a licker license!’

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 2:07 AM

  31. The joy a wave can bring

    The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a
    huge crowd.

    The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, “Do you know that with one
    little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
    joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into
    their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

    Obama replied, “I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your
    hand? Show me!”
    So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

    AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

    Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it?

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 2:09 AM

  32. A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Crap, That must be my husband!’
    So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband.!’
    The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
    And that folks…………is how the fight started

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 2:15 AM

  33. An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed! ‘Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.

    ‘But grandpa, I really don’t lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?’ Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business… you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos’

    ‘Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then… pointa to your watch and say’Times up’?!!!

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 2:30 AM

  34. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
    She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 3:15 AM

  35. HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

    George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him
    that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
    bedroom window.

    George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were
    people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ‘Is someone
    in your house?’ and he said ‘no’. Then they said that all patrols were busy,
    and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when
    available. George said, ‘Okay,’ hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
    again.

    ‘Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing
    things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I
    just shot them.’ Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT
    Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at
    the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed . One of the
    Policemen said to George: ‘I thought you said that you’d shot them!’ George
    said, ‘I thought you said there was nobody available!’

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 3:21 AM

  36. Marriage

    ——————————————————————————–

    I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
    That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
    David Bissonette

    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
    Sacha Guitry

    After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
    Hemant Joshi

    By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

    Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
    Dumas

    The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
    Sigmund Freud

    I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
    Anonymous

    “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
    Henny Youngman

    “I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
    Sam Kinison

    “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
    James Holt McGavran

    “I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.”
    Patrick Murray

    Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
    1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
    2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
    Nash

    The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
    Anonymous

    You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
    Henny Youngman

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
    Rodney Dangerfield

    A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
    Milton Berle

    Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
    Anonymous

    A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
    Anonymous

    First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
    Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 3:34 AM

    • FABULOUS! You could be a stand-up comic. (If you could remember the material!) 😉

      Like

      Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — June 14, 2011 @ 1:52 PM

      • Like Tom Hanks on “Punchline”.?lol

        Like

        Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 5:52 PM

  37. How to Tell the Gender of a Fly

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

    “What are you doing?” She asked.

    “Hunting Flies” He responded.

    “Oh! Killing any?” She asked.

    “Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

    Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?”

    He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone”.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 4:40 PM

  38. This week we celebrate a special birthday.

    Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
    Can you believe it?

    It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,
    putting everything in her mouth.

    They grow up so fast, don’t they?

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 4:48 PM

  39. > Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
    >
    >
    >
    > 1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
    >
    >
    >
    > 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?
    >
    >
    >
    > 1st woman: I froze to death.
    >
    >
    >
    > 2nd woman: How horrible!
    >
    >
    >
    > 1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I > began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What > about you?
    >
    >
    >
    > 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my > husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. > But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
    >
    >
    >
    > 1st woman: So, what happened?
    >
    >
    >
    > 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that > I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic > and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every > closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had > looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled > over with a heart attack and died.
    >
    >
    >
    > 1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still > be alive.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 5:29 PM

  40. The International Olympic Committee announced Today that it has taken
    back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn
    and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.

    Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because
    no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 5:39 PM

  41. A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels

    to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple

    “I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,” he said to his wife.

    “For heaven’s sake, watch them,” his wife said.
    “You already know how to play football!”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 5:40 PM

  42. FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER…..

    Hollywood Squares:

    These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show
    responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
    Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

    Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
    A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
    (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
    A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

    Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
    A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected..

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 5:50 PM

  43. Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch below!

    Dog For Sale
    Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Sh*t.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 7:02 PM

  44. The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old.

    Today, if Dorothy were to encounter
    Men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage –

    She wouldn’t be in Oz…

    She’d be in Congress!

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 7:11 PM

  45. A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

    She begins to pray.. “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I
    don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”

    Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

    She again prays… “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my
    business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.

    Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

    Once again, she prays… “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my
    business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don’t often
    ask You for help, and I’ve always been a good servant to You.

    PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back
    in order.

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde
    is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself…..

    “My Child”, work with Me on this…… Buy a ticket.”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 7:17 PM

  46. A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
    After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, “Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn’t like me to stay out during late night.”
    The first guy replies, “I’ll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning.”
    The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
    When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and followed the proceedure for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
    As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
    Seeing her he screamed, “What the hell are you doing in here?!”
    “Quiet!”, she exclaimed. “You’ll wake my mother.”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 7:25 PM

  47. Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case.
    He asks, “Where are you going?”
    She replies, “I’m going to New York, I’ve heard pr*stitutes get $400 each time for what I do for free.”
    The man starts packing case.
    Wife asks, “Where are you going?”
    He replies, “I want to see how your going to live on $800 a year.”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 7:30 PM

  48. A man asks his friend ‘do you ever talk to your wife during sex ?’.

    His friend replies ‘yeah,….. if she calls …’

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 7:33 PM

  49. “In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is being observant. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.”

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 14, 2011 @ 11:34 PM

  50. The last one, #9, isn’t really a joke. It actually happened.
    It copied that synopsis from and article.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 15, 2011 @ 6:15 AM

  51. Blonde Jokes

    A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
    thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
    it to the clerk to ask what it was.

    The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot,
    and cold things cold.’

    ‘Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing….I’m going to buy it!’ So she
    bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

    Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?

    ‘Why, that’s a thermos….. It keeps hot things hot and cold things
    cold,’
    she replied.

    Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’

    The blond replied….. …’Two popsicles and some coffee.’

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 15, 2011 @ 6:16 AM

  52. A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
    hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
    to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
    decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the
    tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
    blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
    harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first
    blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
    tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

    The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello!
    You need to roll up the windows first.’

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 15, 2011 @ 6:17 AM

  53. Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
    movie?

    They had gone to see ‘Closed for the Winter.’

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 15, 2011 @ 6:22 AM

  54. Two Blondes With Hammers…

    Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
    House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
    pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it
    in.

    Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you throwing
    those nails away?’

    Lynn explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
    have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’

    Judy got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t
    defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 15, 2011 @ 6:23 AM

  55. A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
    neighbor’s dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and
    hours.

    The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this”. She
    goes downstairs.

    The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says “The dog is
    still barking, What have you been doing?”

    The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like
    it!

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 15, 2011 @ 6:24 AM

  56. A LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR

    The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle…

    The war-weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’

    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog..

    ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.

    She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

    This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

    The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!’

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

    You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

    You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

    And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 15, 2011 @ 6:28 AM

  57. Wife> My Mother’s engaged to a homeless man.

    Husband> Haven’t the homeless suffered enough?

    From (Hot in Cleavland)

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 15, 2011 @ 7:42 PM

  58. Phylis, How many register users do you have on this Blog?

    I think I’m going to post a link to “Epilepsy Talk” on another Epilepsy forum that I’m with registered to.

    BTW The Title to this thread “Laughter is the best medicine”

    was the name of the joke section in “Readers Digest” back in the 60’s..

    Like

    Comment by Mike Farnam — June 15, 2011 @ 8:24 PM

  59. I guess I inadvertently stole from Reader’s Digest. Oh well…

    At Epilepsytalk.com, we have: 36 active subscribers

    Comment subscriptions: 46 subscribers, 238 subscriptions
    (whatever all that means!)

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — June 15, 2011 @ 10:27 PM

  60. When I was young, everyone called me a failllure..

    Now that I’m older, I’m a successful businessman.

    I succeed in finding everything that doesn’t work.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 17, 2011 @ 5:50 PM

  61. More Blone jokes…

    An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” “You can’t get out of your room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?” She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
    ———————————————————

    How do you get a blonde on the roof?
    ….tell her drinks are on the house.
    ———————————————————-

    A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
    Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

    “Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
    ———————————————————-

    A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
    Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

    “Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
    ———————————————————–

    Two blondes were driving down the road.
    The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ”Yes. No. Yes. No.”

    ————————————————————

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 17, 2011 @ 6:37 PM

  62. I’m glad I’m a brunette! 😉

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — June 17, 2011 @ 10:49 PM

  63. Well, I finally took a night off from fishing, and figured I’d come up with a good joke. I do think it kinda of funny that this thread asks for jokes from people with bad memories. haha
    Of the gadzillion jokes I heard this is the only one I can remember.
    An Atheist was walking along the river, he heard something in the woods. When he looked He saw a huge grizzly charging at him. He ran , but when he looked over his shoulder he saw the bear was closing in on him.He looked again, & the bear was even closer.He was running so fast tripped & fell. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him. . At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”

    Suddenly a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.” “Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer”?

    The atheist said “It would be hypocritical of me to ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian”?

    “Very Well,” said the Voice.The bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive, Amen.”

    Like

    Comment by Charlie — June 19, 2011 @ 1:05 AM

  64. Good one Charlie, that’s funny,lol!
    I’m need to post that online.

    Did ya catch anything?

    BTW, a person doesn’t need to remember jokes, just type “jokes” in your seach box and you’ll find more than you’ll have time to read.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 19, 2011 @ 3:04 AM

  65. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
    The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
    I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 19, 2011 @ 3:40 AM

  66. A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife “Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill” She ignores the remark.

    A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!” She ignores this remark as well.

    Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 19, 2011 @ 4:37 AM

  67. One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

    His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

    The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.

    ‘Cathy’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

    She replied with a snicker. ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 19, 2011 @ 1:53 PM

  68. How do you turn a fox into a rotweiler?

    Marry her.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 19, 2011 @ 9:22 PM

  69. ——————————————————————————–

    A. “How to Give a Cat a Pill”

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
    baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth
    and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
    cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
    swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
    left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
    tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
    with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
    spouse from yard.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged gently between knees, hold front and
    rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
    firmly. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
    note to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurine from hearth
    and set another side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to hold down the cat with head
    just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
    mouth open and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
    take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from
    carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Force mouth open
    with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
    Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
    shot. Apply hot compress to cheek and disinfect. Throw tee-shirt away and
    fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the
    road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
    your miserable cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

    13. Tie the little @#%’s front paws to rear paws, find heavy duty pruning
    gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a piece of steak. Hold
    head vertically and pour water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume some goodly amount of whiskey. Get spouse to drive you to
    emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
    removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
    order new table.

    15. Arrange for the Adopt-A-Pet center to come and collect the cat. Then call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

    B. “HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL”

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 22, 2011 @ 8:09 PM

  70. Little bruce

    ——————————————————————————–

    LITTLE Bruce ON MATHS !!!

    A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little BRUCE..

    He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

    The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

    Then little BRUCE says, “I have a question for YOU.

    There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

    One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

    The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

    The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

    Which one is married?”

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

    To which Little BRUCE replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the Wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 22, 2011 @ 8:39 PM

  71. LITTLE BRUCE ON GETTING OLDER..

    Little BRUCE was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

    After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
    “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you.

    It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”

    Little BRUCE replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..”

    The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

    Little BRUCE answered, “No, he minded his own f ****** business.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 22, 2011 @ 8:46 PM

  72. DONKEY MAKES HEADLINES

    The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
    it won.

    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
    that he entered it in the
    race again, and it won again.

    The local paper read:

    PASTOR’S
    A$$ OUT FRONT.

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
    publicity that he ordered the
    pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

    The next day, the local paper headline
    read:

    BISHOP SCRATCHES
    PASTOR’S A$$.

    This was too much for the bishop, so he
    ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

    The pastor decided to give it to a nun(Sister Louise)
    in a
    nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
    the following headline the next day:
    SISTER LOUISE HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN.

    The bishop fainted.

    He informed the nun that she would have to
    get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

    The next day the paper read:

    SISTER LOUISE SELLS A$$ FOR $10.
    This was too much for the bishop, so he
    ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to
    the
    plains where it could run wild.
    The next day the headlines read:

    SISTER LOUISE ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.

    The bishop was buried the next day.

    The moral of the story is . .
    being
    concerned about public opinion
    can bring you much grief and misery .
    even shorten your life.

    So be yourself and enjoy life.

    Stop worrying about everyone else’s a$$ and
    you’ll be a lot happier
    and
    live longer!

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 22, 2011 @ 9:19 PM

  73. THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

    After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

    “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

    “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

    The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

    The voice came once more,

    “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

    She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
    “IS THAT YOU LORD?”

    The voice replied,

    “No, this is the manager of the hockey rink.”

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — June 29, 2011 @ 12:25 AM

    • That’s funny…LOL!

      Like

      Comment by mkfarnam — June 29, 2011 @ 8:49 AM

  74. The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists–two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”

    The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

    The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

    Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

    She wiped the sweat from her brow, and calmly said, “This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 29, 2011 @ 3:37 PM

  75. Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl’s
    house.

    One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He
    holds up the football and says “See this football? Football is a boys game
    and girls can’t have one!” The little girl runs in the house crying and
    tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a
    football.

    The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the
    football, yelling “Nah nah nah nah nah!” The little boy gets mad and points
    to his bike. “See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can’t have
    them!” Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy’s
    bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most
    private of parts, and says “You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your
    mother can’t go buy you one!”

    The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, “Well, what do
    you have to say NOW?” So she pulls up her dress and says… “My mother told
    me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I
    want!”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 29, 2011 @ 3:41 PM

  76. A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

    The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
    The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
    The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
    The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

    At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

    The first worm in alcohol – Dead.

    The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead

    Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead

    Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

    So the Minister asked the congregation –

    What can you learn from this demonstration?

    Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

    “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

    That pretty much ended the service —

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 29, 2011 @ 3:52 PM

  77. A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first
    exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
    They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
    attached that said, “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
    The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,”He mated 50
    times last year.”

    They walked to the second pen which had a sign
    attached that said, “This bull mated 120 times last year. ”
    The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said,
    “That’s more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.”

    They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached
    that said, in capital letters, “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
    The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke
    her husband’s ribs, said,”That’s once a day. You could REALLY learn
    something from this one.”

    The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and
    ask him if it was with the same cow.”

    NOTE: The husband’s condition has been upgraded
    from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 29, 2011 @ 4:00 PM

  78. A bologna and cheese sandwich walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says give me a drink. The bartender says sorry we don’t serve food here.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 29, 2011 @ 4:03 PM

  79. Maggie, a blond city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Maggie, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” So then the rancher leaves for the fields.

    After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one…right here.”

    Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blond, the man asks, “Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”

    That’s simple. By the nail over its stall.” Maggie explains very confidently.

    Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”

    She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — June 29, 2011 @ 4:10 PM

  80. The Blond Guy joke.

    An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were
    doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

    They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,
    I’m going to jump off this building’

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,’Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’

    The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘Bologna
    again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too..’

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and
    jumped to his death.

    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

    The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’

    The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.’

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 1, 2011 @ 4:46 PM

  81. A cannibal was walking through the jungle
    and came upon a restaurant operated by a
    fellow cannibal.

    Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
    looked over the menu….

    +Tourist: $5.00

    +Broiled Missionary: $10.00

    +Fried Explorer: $15.00

    +Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
    “Why such a high price for the Politicians?”

    The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one?
    They’re so full of shit, it takes all morning.”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 8, 2011 @ 9:48 PM

  82. I must be retarded because that’s what I had. But I re-entered it for safety’s sake. (Or maybe I’m more “blind” than I thought!) 😉

    Thanks!

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — July 9, 2011 @ 5:22 PM

  83. Wait……..when you click my email, does the text box say “This Fraud Scam Has Been Reported” i????

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 9, 2011 @ 5:29 PM

  84. Never mind that last question…..I get that phase” “,
    But that’s my YAHOO outbox I put it there for scammers.
    You can try
    mkfarnam@yahoo.com,
    I’ll the message,
    but you may get a message back,
    because I have that on “vacation mode”

    I’ll have check “epilepsy.com” account and see what’s going on.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 9, 2011 @ 5:41 PM

  85. Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 9, 2011 @ 7:47 PM

  86. It sends a CLEAR message. LOL!

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 9, 2011 @ 8:49 PM

  87. Ok Mr. Smartie Mike.

    WHICH email(s) should I use that won’t get bounced back? (Now that you’ve given me an embarassement of riches!)

    And PLEASE don’t tell me to use the last one! 😉

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — July 10, 2011 @ 7:40 PM

    • I’m going to send a message to the email you posted. You can reply to that and we’ll see if I get it or not.

      PS, even if you sent an email to the LAST one, it would go to my Yahoo inbox.

      Like

      Comment by mkfarnam — July 10, 2011 @ 9:34 PM

  88. I just sent you one from Yahoo. subject “This is a test”

    I may have to turn off the filter in my Gmail inbox.

    It automatically deletes certain emails even before they go into my junk mail.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 11, 2011 @ 4:37 PM

  89. A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

    She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’

    The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’

    ‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — July 13, 2011 @ 1:33 PM

  90. One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

    ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’

    So he tied her up and went golfing.

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — July 13, 2011 @ 4:11 PM

  91. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — July 14, 2011 @ 2:13 PM

  92. A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter…

    Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

    “Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

    “Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.”

    Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 14, 2011 @ 3:17 PM

  93. The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of
    battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. “Private,” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

    “Warehouses!?” the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 14, 2011 @ 3:38 PM

  94. Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. “I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

    You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a cop”, says the first man. “Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a firemen”, said the second man. “Then we will burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.

    Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?” And the third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 14, 2011 @ 3:43 PM

    • Com’on yall, can we clean this up a little. it’s getting too coarse for me.

      Like

      Comment by Charlie — July 14, 2011 @ 7:46 PM

  95. Holy Humor

    A father was approached by his small son who told

    him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”
    His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’
    what the Bible means?
    The son replied, “I do know!”
    “Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”
    “That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,

    ” It stands for,

    “Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.”

    =======

    There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
    Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
    “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
    “Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.

    ========

    “Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the
    world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say,”Good
    morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and
    say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

    ========

    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city
    because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.
    Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I
    have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my
    appointment. “Forgive us our trespasses.”
    When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
    along with this note

    “I’ve circled this block for 10 years.

    If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job.

    “Lead us not into temptation.”

    ========

    There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and
    announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The
    good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building
    program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.”

    =======

    A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
    “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”
    A hand shot up in the air. “He is an artist!” said the
    kindergarten boy.
    “Really? How do you know?” the teacher asked.
    “You know – “Our Father, who does art in Heaven”…. ”

    ========

    A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas
    just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but
    there were many cars ahead of him.

    Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
    “Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay.

    It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
    ready for a long trip.”
    The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean.

    It’s the same in my business.”

    ========

    People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and
    the center of attention.

    ========

    Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter
    what the lesson was about.
    The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”
    Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
    pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s
    Sunday school lesson was about.
    He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”

    The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was
    going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they
    were expecting for repairs to the church building.

    Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute
    had been brought in at the last minute.

    The substitute wanted to know what to play.
    “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently.

    “But,you’ll have to think of something to play after I make

    the announcement about the finances.”
    During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers
    and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice
    as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.

    Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
    At that moment, the substitute organist played

    “The Star Spangled Banner.”
    And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

    ————————————————————————

    When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache…..

    When you open it, he collapses…..

    When he sees you reading it, he faints…..
    When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees…..

    And when you are about to forward this message….

    He will try and discourage you..

    I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?

    Smile!!! It makes people wonder what you are up to something.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 14, 2011 @ 8:24 PM

  96. A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER

    I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

    “I want to live forever,” I said.

    “Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”

    “Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!”

    “You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — July 19, 2011 @ 7:25 PM

    • good one Phylis

      Like

      Comment by mkfarnam — July 19, 2011 @ 7:31 PM

  97. Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 21, 2011 @ 11:33 PM

  98. Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

    ” Walter,” responds the little boy.

    “And what is your question, Walter?”

    “I have 4 questions:

    First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren’t allowed to?”

    Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

    When they resume Obama says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: question time. Who has a question?”

    Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

    “Steve,” he responds.

    “And what is your question, Steve?”

    Actually, I have 6 questions.

    First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preachings and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren’t allowed to? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 22, 2011 @ 4:36 AM

    • And sixth, what the heck happened to Walter ?”

      Like

      Comment by mkfarnam — July 22, 2011 @ 4:38 AM

  99. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

    ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!

    Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!

    Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

    You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!

    Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

    Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

    The wife stared at him.

    ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

    The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

    Like

    Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — July 22, 2011 @ 1:12 PM

  100. I have many funny storys that I said by chance without thinking about it. My boyfriend Enrique has a goatee, and he was kissing me and out of the blue said your “wiskers” are ticking me. We both started laughing histerically.

    There are others he has told. All are

    Like

    Comment by jennifer schnegg — July 25, 2011 @ 1:36 AM

    • Jennifer, Let’s hear em’, that’s what this forum is for..lol!

      Like

      Comment by mkfarnam — July 25, 2011 @ 2:57 AM

  101. I have another joke that Enrigue told me the other day. We were having breakfast one morning, and I wear hearing aids, my battery went dead. I told him, he says “should I get a jumper cable?”

    Like

    Comment by jennifer schnegg — July 29, 2011 @ 1:13 PM

  102. Hellmann’s Mayonnaise – a bit of history.

    Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was
    manufactured in England In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars
    of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which
    was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in
    New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of
    mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship
    did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and
    the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about
    mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate
    at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National
    Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National
    Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course,
    as –

    Sinko De Mayo.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 29, 2011 @ 5:25 PM

  103. A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

    Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

    The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again.

    Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”

    The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?”
    Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”

    The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.
    Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican
    and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”

    Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked,
    “If your mom was a moron,
    and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

    With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan.”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 29, 2011 @ 5:32 PM

  104. A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline, have you ever used the product?”

    The woman says, “Yes, my husband and I use it all the time”.

    The researcher says, “If you don’t mind me asking, what do you use if for?”

    “We use it for sex”, replies the woman.

    The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most couples use it for sex, and I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use the Vaseline for sex?”

    The woman says, “Sure, I don’t mind telling you at all……my husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out!”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 29, 2011 @ 6:37 PM

  105. I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
    I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts.
    Have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92 and have lost all of my friends…….
    but thank God, I still have my driver’s license!

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 29, 2011 @ 6:41 PM

  106. A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.

    He asks the bartender for a beer and the bartender says “excuse me Mr. Pirate, but do you realize you’ve got a steering wheel sticking out of your crotch?

    Pirate says, “Arrrg, I know. . . It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — July 30, 2011 @ 11:58 PM

  107. The Wedding Fairy . . .

    A married couple in their early 60’s was celebrating their 40th
    wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

    She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
    loving to each other or all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

    The wife answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
    darling husband.”

    The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the
    Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

    The husband thought for a moment: “Well, this is all very romantic,
    but an opportunity like this will never come again.

    I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
    than me.”

    The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
    wish.

    So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92
    years old.

    The moral of this story:
    Men who are ungrateful bastards should
    remember

    fairies are female…..

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — August 18, 2011 @ 1:50 PM

  108. The importance of good English!

    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

    The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

    “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — August 18, 2011 @ 1:53 PM

  109. The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

    “No way! No needles. I hate needles,” the patient said.

    The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

    “I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!”

    The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

    “No objection,” the patient says. “‘I’m fine with pills.”

    The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra.”

    The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”

    “It doesn’t” said the dentist, “but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — August 18, 2011 @ 1:56 PM

  110. Kissing test

    Like

    Comment by mkfarnam — August 18, 2011 @ 2:01 PM

    • That was HYSTERICAL!

      Listen guys, we have to move on to Part #2…we’re so funny we’ve run out of space…

      Like

      Comment by Phylis Feiner Johnson — August 18, 2011 @ 2:12 PM


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    About the author

    Phylis Feiner Johnson

    Phylis Feiner Johnson

    I've been a professional copywriter for over 35 years. I also had epilepsy for decades. My mission is advocacy; to increase education, awareness and funding for epilepsy research. Together, we can make a huge difference. If not changing the world, at least helping each other, with wisdom, compassion and sharing.

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